Monday, April 25, 2016

Touched by His Noodliness

    Not long ago, I decided to try a small experiment. By then, I had enjoyed the euphoric, sometimes paranoid effects of marijuana on occasion. But this time, I would take things a step further that I had in the past: I decided to smoke as much weed as I possibly could, just to see how it affected me. I also decided to put my thoughts and feelings to paper if possible, because everyone knows the only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.
When I sat down on the balcony, bowl in hand, I was a staunch atheist. However, the night went on. With more and more crushed plant matter burning to ashes, I began to feel incredibly connected to… something. It felt like I was being held lovingly close by… Jesus? Yahweh? Cthulhu? His Holy Noodliness? I’ll never know, but I was soon compelled to spring from my chair and write down the epiphanies swirling through my brain. By the end of the night, I had produced the following religious text, scrawling the words into one of my school notebooks. Like most religious texts, it requires some interpretation, contains a few inconsistencies, and was made possible through the generous support of some seriously bomb-ass drugs. I solemnly swear that I was only under the influence of weed and nothing else. All spelling and grammatical errors are original.

“This is really important.
There is a god
The god.

“Humanism becomes universal
Sciece advances for an infinite amount of time
Eventually learns everything there is to know about the universe.
And somehow…
Some way…..
It all came back to god?
Like god was the very last thing we found in the end.
I didn’t even smoke no weed
This is just my damation [damnation] of eternal amazement given to all who doubt His word.
When we have a perfect knowledge of the all there is to know it will all point to god in the end.

“I was just entranced by the holy spirit.
I swear to gosh
I’m so, so sorry god.
With a capital “G” I’m so sorry.
I <3 god="" span="" u="">
Ur my hero

    I believe in God now. I got more high than I ever have beforre and got my highest possible high. I understand how god works. This is more knowledge than I thought was possible. Once humans know everything, they will know as much as God. And they will finally know God is real at the end when all we doubters are condemned into hell worse than flames. A hell of eternal [amazement]
I love God.
I love you too Ryan. Ur cool, K?
God. Is. Real.
Eternal amazement has periods of insane dissonence that will make all your skin fall off.

I can never tell Ryan’s secret. I will actually fall apart if I do. Like  meat from meat. I know Ryan’s upset when he says “shit.” I like God. God is Dope. Jesus is Dope Jr. I have to get up to set MY ALARM SO I CAN HELP THE WHOLE world get closer to everything so they can know God faster while taking less time. More people might believe in god to save them from eternal amazement. I have to let god let me out just to give this new sacred text away to humanity.
Let me go to work and serve you in leading humanity in your direction. Your perfect plan will be clear. This is my COMPLETE RECANT. I’m avoiding the subject of my dad to avoid it WAY past BELEIVING in God. I MUST REALLY have issues. Have to get up. Have to sleep. Must sacrifice for guranteed trip to eternal amazement. God, please let me out. Make this one extention from me be in your perfect nature. To teach other to love you. Time to go!”

So…. yeah…. Let me break this down….

Basically, the idea I had was that humanity would eventually outgrow religion, and humanistic principles would become universal. The human race would pursue knowledge of the universe for centuries, maybe even millennia, and eventually achieve a perfect understanding of physics, astronomy, the laws of nature etc. But what if, somehow, the very last piece of the puzzle was “God” in some form or another? What if our understanding of the natural world was still so feeble even after the 21st century that we couldn’t see that the existence of a higher power really did make sense, even if all the current and historical arguments for one failed? What if, after hundreds or thousands of years of de-facto atheism, we suddenly discovered that “God” not only existed, but that the seemingly ludicrous idea that all of history was somehow part of a perfect plan also made sense? Imagine the pure shock that moment would bring.
    Now, what if the discovery of God, only possible by reaching the end of scientific inquiry, triggered some rapture-like event? What if I and all those centuries of doubters were forever condemned to the very same level of shock that they felt or would have felt when they found out God was real? This is what I at least half thought I was experiencing when I wrote these words, due to the extreme euphoria of my ultra-high state. This perpetual state of shock and awe was God’s punishment for doubting or denying his existence, but it was also a kind of heaven. There are much worse feelings that one could experience for all eternity. My God is a merciful God.
    The letter that makes up part of this sacred text is to my roommate Ryan, who I often discuss philosophy and humanism with. I honestly don’t remember what I meant by Ryan’s “secret.” Based on all the fantastic thinking I was doing, I may have been under the false impression that he was secretly gay, and would have felt terrible if I accidently outed him. I can confirm this impression was false. The mentions of falling apart “meat from meat” and skin falling off reference the recurring, momentary sensation that I was melting or that I would suddenly fall to dismembered pieces on the floor, much like a house of cards.
    The closing paragraph or two came after I realized that it was about 2 AM and that I had work to do. I work in a lab that studies insects. As the knowledge gained from this would ultimately be part of humanity’s perfect knowledge of everything there was to know, I saw it as my duty to go to work in the morning and help us to reach this point more quickly. I was a humble servant to God and inquiry. I had a life to devote to literally helping the human race get closer to God. My life finally had meaning.

May the love of His Holy Noodliness be with you always.


Ed. note: ISSA does not condone the consumption of illicit drugs.

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