Today I went to a funeral for a childhood friend who recently committed suicide. It was my first time revisiting the church in which I was practically raised and, while I knew it would be strange, I think I hoped my grief would offer me a different perspective. Now nonreligious, I'm quick to condemn such institutions as centers of brainwashing, fear-mongering and the like; but the truth is that I had nothing but happy memories of this place. It was founded on the basis of that more modern, friendly brand of Christianity – less god-fearing, more god-loving. It’s difficult to imagine that something as straightforward as a funeral service could have more sinister undertones in that context.
The first thing I noticed was the change in the church itself. It looked small, dimly lit... Not at all the place I remembered. I guess things just seemed brighter when a younger me was sure she felt God's presence there.
The service was, from the very beginning, more explicitly religious than most, but I didn't find that part surprising given the fact that the family has always been devout. Still, it prompted a lot of reflection on my part.
I politely bowed my head for the prayers, and found my mind wandering to my loss of faith years ago. The death of a loved one had left me distraught and questioning how such a thing could be a part of God's "plan". I think Julia Sweeney said it best in her poignant story Letting Go of God: "I realized there was this little teeny-weenie voice whispering in my head. I'm not sure how long it had been there, but it suddenly got just one decibel louder. It whispered, 'There is no God.'" Like Julia, I didn't wake up one day and choose to stop believing. I wanted desperately for there to be some cosmic purpose for the tragedy I'd encountered, and it pained me to even consider the alternative. But doubt crept in, and things were hard for a very long time until one day they weren't anymore.
That said, I don't think of myself now as a "militant atheist", though I wouldn't mind being labeled as such. I'd prefer for religion to stay the hell out of matters of public policy, but I'm a live-and-let-live sort of girl and if others somehow see something in faith, I'm not going to try to take that from them.
These and other thoughts crossed my mind as the service continued. "I guess it's not hurting anyone right now," I reflected silently during a hymn, "But what is religion actually contributing to this memorial?" Not the community, certainly – there's no doubt in my mind that just as many people would have loved and cherished the deceased in the absence of some faith to bind them. It had to be some sort of metaphysical reassurance, then, right? Peace in troubled times? A way to deal with the pain and inevitability of death? Comfort?
But the service wasn't comforting. Far from it, in fact. The pastor didn't deliver the usual "at least he's in a better place" spiel or any sort of unifying message. Instead, he offered the heavy-handed question "What does scripture have to say about the taking of one's own life?" with a horribly unpalatable answer: "God creates life, and therefore life belongs to God. In taking that life from him, we are betraying God's trust and revealing our own lack of faith."
Before this moment, the circumstances that led to my atheism had never really made me angry. But the hypocrisy here was just too much to bear in my grief. That a faith could so thoroughly devalue human life while offering reprimand (at a horrifically inappropriate time, no less) for someone who wholeheartedly buys into that message and just wants to get to heaven a little faster is disconcerting, appalling, outrageous – I can’t even find a word suitable to convey my sorrow and disgust. It's not enough to molest the minds of the living, we have to disrespect the dead as well?
I didn't think, going in, that I wanted anything from that pastor today. I can deal with death on my own, painful though it may be. But in retrospect, I did want something on behalf of the people around me: the kids I grew up with, their aging parents, and the family of the deceased. For the faithful, I wanted religion to step in and do that thing that nice moderates always tell us it's good for – give grieving people a way to deal with their loss.
But the pastor’s message was completely antithetic to that goal, and the people of the congregation shifted uncomfortably in their seats. I wanted to shout, "I know you're cherry-picking the Bible anyway! If you're going to pick and choose your principles, couldn't they at least be less punitive, more positive? What good is this institution we call faith if it can't offer some constructive or compelling insight on the trials and tribulations of our day-to-day lives?”
Never mind the fact that the pastor namedropped god/Jesus far more than he mentioned the deceased.
Never mind the fact that I'm sure the tone of the service was exactly what my friend wouldn’t have wanted.
Never mind how completely untoward it was in the first place to use the suicide of a good man as some sort of lesson for the rest of us.
The pastor was poised to offer some wisdom on the nature of suffering, and instead he was dismissive of it: "God gives us the tools to weather the storm," he insisted, "We just need to choose to use them." I know what that struggling, younger version of myself would have said to him in that moment: "Couldn't he just have, you know, not sent the storm?"
Had I somehow still been religious as of this morning, I think I would have lost my faith by the day's end. As it is, I find my atheism renewed a hundred times over. But I offer this story, I guess, as a cautionary tale. I went to that church with a somewhat open mind, and I left it feeling violated. If what I experienced today is the best that faith has to offer, I don’t want myself or anyone I love to be a part of it.
22 comments:
Great post Becca, really well-written and poignant. Sorry for your loss.
I'm not sure I could have (or would) have prevented myself from speaking up.
I'm sorry about your friend, and how the memory of him was treated. On the off-chance that the "better place" does exist, I hope he's there.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a very similar experience six years ago when my boyfriend took his life. It was the last straw in my life as a Christian, and the thing that finally pushed me away from the church.
The fact that pastors and priests can't see that the people in your situation and mine need comfort more than judgment in our time of need is repulsive. We are as deserving of sympathy as people who lose loved ones to any other cause.
I found myself much more comforted by secularism in my time of grief than I ever was by faith. It sounds like you are coping well; I hope that that is true and that you continue to heal.
I encountered something similar ten years ago at the funeral of a friend, in our freshman year of high school. She was a passenger to someone who drove drunk and not only was she barely spoken of personally, but half of the service was dedicated to trying to claim these poor mourning friends and family members for Jesus' flock on the pretext that "we never know when death's hand will come for us. Don't you want to be sure you go up instead of down?" Just the implication that the person whose funeral you're attending - a 14 year old girl - has gone to hell is enough to make one more than a bit nauseated. I would have loved to have been able to chalk the whole thing up to small-town thinking, but I know it's about the churches themselves.
I'm sorry for your loss and the extra pain that you were dealt in the face of it.
Beautifully written. It is so frustrating that pastors most often seem to miss the best opportunities to demonstrate compassion. I'm so sorry for your loss.
A well-thought-out read, thank you for sharing. Grief can be so complicated for nonbelievers, as we see the BS for BS and start feeling anger as well as loss. I've had similar experiences at church funerals, though no priest ever insinuated the deceased was burning in hell. At a funeral for a very close friend's father (he was like my father, he practically adopted me), I remember stewing through the service. The guy had not been religious and really only attended church sporadically to please his wife. Yet 90% of what the priest talked about was church/god/jesus and how the ONLY way to ever see the deceased again was by accepting Jesus, etc etc etc. I sat there thinking "You aren't saying anything about his life, his legacy, or accomplishments--instead I'm sitting through an INFOMERCIAL for the church." I became angry on how I felt they belittled a great man into the equivalent of bait for a religion.
It's not the best that faith has to offer. Not by a long shot.
AFAIK the Bible doesn't specifically say that suicide is a sin. But it does specifically say that ANY sin can be forgiven (except Blasphemy against the Spirit--whatever that means). So apparently even if suicide is a sin, it can be forgiven.
I'm not saying that you don't have good reason to be an atheist. But this experience is more an indictment against that paster rather than against Christianity.
Unbelievable story, and condolences for your loss. You should let that idiot priest know how you feel! It's so wrong to overkill the bible and preach personal ideals during ceremonies where people need to be there to show respect for their deceased loved ones, but might not believe in said religion. It's bullshit.
A lovely piece. I've had similar experiences, so I know what you mean quite well. It is really appalling the things some ministers will say at a funeral. Unfeeling doesn't begin to cover it. It's almost sadistic.
First may I add my condolences to those that preceed my comments. Death is never easy to deal with and as you have said, the service for the lost loved one is not the place to examine the spiritual consequence of the person who died. I would appologize for the disregard of the pastor for statements made but he is responsable for his own failure to be as loving as God would have him be in such things. Regardless of how this person died, they are not condemned by the words of men or the supositions of such people. I have conducted funerals with circumstances like this and my concern was for the survivors. That faith would be their peace. Faith that God is able to do more than we can imagine or think. You see people grasp the "truth" and turn it into a club to bash those who do not believe as they do. I wish God could just be God with out the fashioned insite from those who think they have a lock on Heaven. I agree with those here who say you should have spoke your mind. The pastor needs a real wake up call. May God be merciful to us all.
Your friend chooses to end their own life and you question how it's God's plan? Really? How is self-righteous atheism treating you?
And how dare a religious service mention God? I mean didn't the pastor at the CHURCH this was occurring at, for the devout family know some atheist was in attendance?!
You are an idiot.
^Fuck you, anon.
@Anon, April 16 1:04 a.m.
She's not questioning how it's God's plan, she's pointing out that within certain Christian dogmas this tragedy is justified as necessary and "all apart of the plan" or worse yet, "for the better" . It's the lack of humanity inherent in the sort of christian rhetoric that's used to justify such suffering and tragedy in the world. You tell me, how does it feel to lose your sense of humanity because of your religion?
Also this is not about the fact that a priest mentioned god, it's about the backseat a person is given at their own funeral, it's about the devaluation of the meaning and purpose of a human life because of some obscure and high flown theoretical theology, it's about the lack of humanity in the practice of religion.
@Anonymous I don't know if you will read this, but I am really wondering how this person's suicide fits into god's plan. Could you explain to me what you mean by that?
I think both the author and the pastor are idiots. Granted we don't know what fully happened since the author is biased but based on what was was said:
1. Yes is seems a little out of line for a pastor to sit up there and preach hell's fire in brimstone to a church full of people who obviously did not kill themselves in a sinful act. Preaching to the choir if you will. I believe religious funeral services should be a celebration of the person's life.
2. Shame on the author for publicly writing about this. What is worse for the family? A pastor (who they probably agree with) talking about a life of sin or somehow finding on google a long rant from their deceased relatives's friend. A little bit of class goes a long way.
Rebecca -
What a well-written piece and something that needs to be said.
I lost my husband in a plane crash almost 12 years ago, but since we'd both been atheists since we were kids, the service was quite different from the one you described. My husband was an experimental test pilot, so the service was held in a hangar, next to his beloved RJ airplane. The microphone was passed around so people could tell stories about Eric. He was a former military fighter pilot, so he had the military service he'd asked for. There wasn't a pastor in sight. And no prayers either.
Eric respected other religions his entire life, and so our entire fmaily made sure that at least for this one moment in time, everyone respected his views.
Take a peek at my article on Richard Dawkins's website called "Grief Without God." I'll be speaking at the Air Capitol Skeptics conference in Wichita, Kansas this Sunday. All are invited.
I'm currently working on a "Grief Workbook for Atheists" because when I needed it most, there was nothing to help me that didn't include God.
All the best to you.
--Carol Fiore
I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend. Our church's pastor was a real dick with the passing of my mom, too, and was more concerned with putting up a front of faith than he was for the pain of those who had to watch my mom die.
I hope your friend's family can find the compassion and comfort they so desperately need right now.
I spent a lot of time in churches as a kid thinking many of the very same things.
FYI (personal anecdote warning): A very good friend of mine lost a sudden battle to cancer last summer and the service was very much like this one you've described: Aimed more at scaring the congregation into converting rather than paying homage to the deceased. And I had many of the very same feelings as you.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I believe you have a right to be offended, but at this point I think it's better to say your own goodbyes in your own way instead of letting some poor excuse for a religious leader do it for you. I know not all Christians are bad people, and hope (for the sake of peace) that we can all learn from the good people of any faith, creed, etc. and learn to ignore the ones who don't follow their own teachings.
I am sorry about your loss. I want you to know that this pastor's harshness does not reflect all churches.
The Catholic Church understands the intense psychological pains that those who are pushed to suicide encounter. Here's from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
"2282 Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.
2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives."
http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a5.htm
I am very sorry for your loss. There's something about the suicide of a loved one that leaves the family and friends with no answers and only pain and guilt -- why didn't I do more or notice more or whatever. All you can really do is try to honor their memory, be kind to their family, and speak well of them. It gets better with time but boy the first few days, weeks, and months are rough. Kind regards.
I am sending good thoughts that you find some solace in the death of your friend. As a person who lives with suicidal thoughts every day I understand the challenges your friend faced even if I don't know their motivation.
I get life in the here/now is hard and those who are tied to dogma do not make the journey any easier. Personally I do my best to stay away from that sort as they aren't all that fond of my sort.
My sort? Well, my husband was Asatru (the Viking Way) and I listen to the Quantum Consciousness. We both wrote his funeral ceremony which was held in the UCC church where I grew up in January this year. I was told after the service it was a beautiful celebration of his life. The minister did quote a few scriptures (mutually agreed upon) and he prefaced them as "These are the stories that define us as Christians. They are the glue that holds our culture together." Everyone was respected. Everyone left that day basking in the light and life of my one true love.
It sounds like the clergy at the church you attended forgot their compassion when ascending the pulpit stairs. You have my sympathy.
Connie
"But the service wasn't comforting."
Then leave. You are an atheist and you are complaining that a church service wasn't comforting?
"Never mind the fact that the pastor namedropped god/Jesus far more than he mentioned the deceased."
Really? You are complaining that the PASTOR mentioned god/jesus a lot at church.
"Never mind the fact that I'm sure the tone of the service was exactly what my friend wouldn’t have wanted."
Then why didn't you lead the service?
'"God gives us the tools to weather the storm," he insisted, "We just need to choose to use them."'
What else do you expect the pastor to say? Life sucks, go kill yourself? Give up?
"Couldn't he just have, you know, not sent the storm?"
That's petty. Couldn't your atheism saved your friend?
"If what I experienced today is the best that faith has to offer, I don’t want myself or anyone I love to be a part of it."
Oh come on. Really? You are using your friend's suicide to take potshots at christianity and mocking the friends and family members who took comfort in the service. Does that make you any better? How did you or your atheism comforted your dead friend's family? How did you or your atheism comforted the community? What has your atheism done for anyone?
Instead of being bitter at the church for not providing you with comfort, be bitter at atheism. If your atheism provided you with any comfort, you wouldn't be seeking it from a pastor.
Why are atheists so whiny and petty. This is why I am agnostic and will remain so.
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