Noah's Penis Causes Slavery, God Gets Kinky, and 200 Foreskins

When I decided to write about a few of my favorite passages in the Bible, I had plenty of options. From children getting mauled by bears for laughing at a bald guy to Jesus killing a plant for kicks, I didn't need to look far. However, these four deserved special attention.

True Bible Story: Kinky God wants Moses to check out his butt.
Moses and God finally decided to meet face to face, but there was a problem. Anyone who looks at God’s face dies. No problem, though, God had a plan. He strutted by, and as he passed Moses he let him check out his “back parts”.

Hawt

True Bible Story: God trolls architects.
What happens when humans become organized, productive, and breach cultural barriers? God puts his troll face on! The gist of Genesis 11 is that simply that – people want to build a city and a tower as a center for progress. Seems like a great idea, but God was having none of that. “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other LOL! And there was much rejoicing.” Alright, maybe I inferred that last bit. If you don’t have anything breakable in reach, you might want to check out this children’s version. (The King Nimrod bit was added much later by Josephus).

True Bible Story: Noah gets drunk and naked, and his son Ham walks in on him.
It sounds like a PG father-son moment, but in first millennium Mesopotamia looking at another person's genitals was quite the transgression. Knowing this, Good Guy Ham warned his brothers outside the tent, and they covered up their father without looking (let's face it, they probably peeked). Somehow Noah “knew” what happened. So what does he do? Instead of thanking Ham for his decency, he puts a curse on Ham’s son, Canaan. And that’s the story of how slavery thrived in the Bible Belt. Christians make lots of sense.

What has been seen ... cannot be unseen

True Bible Story: Saul wants 100 foreskins, David brings him 200.
In place of a dowry for his daughter’s hand in marriage, Saul wanted 100 Philistine foreskins. So David rounded up the troops, and got Saul 200 foreskins. There’s no further explanation. And thus the overachiever was born.

If these passages had been included in my youth Bible, maybe the whole religion thing would have appealed more to me. What’s your favorite Bible story?