The 10 Most Median Things About Easter

I'm not a big fan of "top 10" lists. Sometimes I want to hear about the average items that end up in lists. So here is my list of the 10 most median things about Easter. They aren't the best or worst things to be said.. in fact they should all fall within one standard deviation of the most average thing that might be said of the holiday.
Also, I want Easter to also be about celebrating Central Limit Theorem.







Bad stuff
10. Human sacrifice is a disgusting, barbaric concept. Doesn't matter if this one case really happened or not.

9. You probably didn't need to gain those 5 pounds.

8. One thing the Earth doesn't need? More fertility. There are 7 billion of us. We can probably stop celebrating our reproductive success now.

7. If you know you can't die, then resurrection is a parlour trick, not a meaningful event.

6. Parents lying to their children sometimes leads to said kids developing more skepticism, but it almost always increases mistrust and resentment, which no family needs any of.

Good Stuff
5. Confirms my Cocoa-Deity Superiority hypothesis. Whenever God and chocolate compete, God always loses. See also: Halloween, Christmas.

4. You get to learn who the fair-weather Christianity fans are through the magic and idiocy of Facebook.

3. Necessarily, if subconsciously, connects Catholicism with the innocent amusement of children. Thus, Easter serves as a subtle psychological reminder of the Vatican's unworldly opinion of child rapists.

2. Eggs are fucking delicious. It's surprising we let any of them turn into chickens.

1. More concerned about celebrating sex than any other holidays (especially you, Arbor Day. Yeah, I went there. Fuck you Arbor Day!)

Happy Easter, kids.